Yesterday I had a bit of a rubbish day. Not in terms of what happened; I didn’t get pooed on by a seagull or fall down the stairs or anything like that – I just felt rubbish, like I wasn’t good enough.
Now normally I know this isn’t true – I may not be amazing at everything I do, (although I try to be – I like achieving the best and if I don’t, I do feel disappointed but I’m getting much better at not letting this define me), but I’m generally a happy person and I don’t let life get me down.
Looking back, I don’t really know what caused me to feel rubbish. Maybe it was having watched One Tree Hill on Saturday evening, and the events that occurred had a delayed effect on me. In all honesty, I don’t know.
I just began to feel rubbish about myself, like I wasn’t good at anything and that I wasn’t worth anything to anyone. Alex was with me, trying to cheer me up, and that just made me feel worse in a way – like I was a rubbish girlfriend, and that by being sad, I was just being hard-work; why would someone want to be with me?
I felt rubbish most of the afternoon. The curate at St. Mike’s was having a tea-party so that the students could get to know him and his family and although I still felt rubbish, it took my mind off things and I was able to be somewhat normal for a couple of hours.
What cheered me up though? God did. And okay, I didn’t hear some voice in my head telling me that I was good enough or that He loved me. I didn’t spontaneously think of bible verses that state how much God loves me. But I know that God is behind the good things in my life.
The students and J.D (he’s the curate) were walking from his house to church for the evening service, and we got talking about Alex. About how good he is on the piano and that St. Mike’s were fortunate to have him to play in the music group. It got me thinking – I know that Alex is amazing at what he does (although he just thinks he’s okay) and his family and my family do; but it was really nice to hear someone else say that they think he is.
This was just reiterated throughout the worship that evening. Hearing Alex play and show his love for God through his piano-playing just made me really happy, and proud of him. I may still feel rubbish about my own talents sometimes (if I have any) but I have family and friends to be immensely proud of – who love me and think I’m amazing. I also know that God loves me and that’s the most important thing of all.
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
– John 3:16, ESV
This bible verse is the one that always speaks to me. If God loved the world so much, that he sent Jesus Christ to die on a cross for us, that love is simply amazing. With that knowledge, I can never feel rubbish for too long . God’s love is unconditional, I don’t have to be perfect or the most devout Christian – I’m allowed to have off-days, feel rubbish and mess up from time to time. God knows all my flaws and imperfections, and despite knowing this, he still loves me so much – and he loves all of you too 🙂
Just in case:
– Mum: if you’re reading this, I’m okay now and you do not need to write a soppy mother-daughter comment on the facebook post
– Alex: yeah, sorry – I’ve complemented you on the internet 🙂